I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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