i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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