We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
