I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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