once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
