You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
