I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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