her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
