Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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