Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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