I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
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