i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
