OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
