Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
