i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
