guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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