Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
