i barfeds in our rink
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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