There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Ketchup is God's man juice
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
