Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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