I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
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Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
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