I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
