Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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