if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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