Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
