I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
