the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
