there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
