with your own penis?
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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