seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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