i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
