Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
