Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The beer is more important than you right now.
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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