Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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