I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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