When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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