I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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