I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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