I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
