I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
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Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
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There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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