Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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