ya dads aren't the best wingmen
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
