i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
