Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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