the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
