apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
