So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
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couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
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I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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