My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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