he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
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