Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
not ubering you a puppy
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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