Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
