So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
These tits shall not be calmed
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
