There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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