bring money and cleavage
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
