Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
