So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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