and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Randomize
