she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
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If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
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He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
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