I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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