I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
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