my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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