So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
