So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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