So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
